Life Update
Next to childbirth, The erasure of my family was the biggest change I’ve undergone. Though the initial split brought a sense of relief, the aftermath mirrored hell.
The start of the journey entailed a deep questioning of what the new normal would be, and a struggle to process and decipher the lessons and logic. Often I questioned if the road ahead entailed constant war with my coparent.
Additionally, I have questioned the role I have played in the fracturing of our union. I’ve wondered how one balances self-care while still maintaining selflessness, so the child thrives. Above all, I have wondered endlessly how to reconnect with love and find the humanity in the other party post destruction. Throughout the transition, I’ve sought peace and understanding.
It is empowering to admit that new territory is frightening. Acknowledging that within myself gives me strength. Being a young mother who is now carrying much of the load alone is not what I anticipated.
I do know however that God has kept my child and me because I see illumination on the horizon. That light has taken various forms. Recently, I was gifted a profound sense of peace. It occurred to me that I have gained a sense of normalcy, and it feels like baby and I are finally settling in.
There is a level of comfortability I can now embody that I didn’t have at the start of our transition. Because of this awakening, I know I am living in a prayer.
When I first left Denver, in a moment of vulnerability I expressed to someone verbatim “I feel like my world is upside down.” What once felt like uncertainty and confusion, is becoming a fulfilling rebirth, as I’ve achieved newfound resilience and inner power.
Experiencing dysfunction with your life partner does a number on your spirit, and I know that feeling is mutual. I am aware that regardless of where both sides went wrong, we are both dealing with a profound level of pain for different reasons.
It has been cleansing to the soul however, realizing I am no longer lost and without direction. I now see the journey God has designed is gorgeously manifesting. I know that I can find my footing throughout the chaos of parenting, relationships and life in general.
Throughout my co-parenting journey, a range of human emotions consumed me, most notably anger, worry and hostility. The gift however, is their gradual conversion to prayers prayed and compassion felt for the other parent. This alone has alleviated the mayhem in my spirit and helped smooth the road to repair and restoration for our family.
Remnants of fear that lingered in my psyche are converting to excitement for a chance to lean further into my new life. The more time that passes & the more blessings that appear, the stronger my confidence becomes in myself, life and God.
My biggest gain has been the alchemy of victimhood into a reveling in the empowerment of newfound strength. Now that I see what life has for me as a mom, I appreciate the universality of womanhood, motherhood, and a woman’s tenacity.
As always, I am grateful for my child. This is the sweet young soul who tags along with me through life. She is resilient, tough, and the excellence she exudes astonishes me. It thrills me to witness how God has crafted her.
In my quest to find my way, I’ve contemplated ways to explain our family dynamic to her. Through therapy and introspection, I’ve learned that love is the key. I can immerse her in love completely, and love her through life regardless what happens between her father and I. The bottom line is that she is treasured from both sides no matter what. This will always be proven to her.
She is the realist love I’ve known, and she deserves the highest good.
