Soul Reflections: Life Update
Starting Over: Single Motherhood
The nurturing spirit of God’s leadership inebriates me. I've entered a space where only he and I dwell. This keeps me centered so I can approach this chapter.
Single motherhood is not the life I imagined or expected; however, I’ve embraced it in full. Female independence is empowering. It’s a process of God illuminating the innate power a woman holds and pours into her dependents.
It is liberating to stop needing someone else to step up, and astonishing when you see what you're made of. I am fulfilled when the fruits of my labor manifest in a happy, healthy child.
This new chapter is beautiful, but it is not without sadness. I am working to grasp how mutual pain exists where love once resided. Admittedly I question if it ever even was love. I pray God helps me reconnect with love as a means of repair, if that’s what’s meant to happen. My ultimate priority is peace.
I can’t deny the reality of fears I've had given the need for black fathers in the home. I reflect on my own experiences in relationships and consider the example and patterns I'd like to establish in response to the change in my family dynamic.
Above all, I wish for my child to have a healthy relationship with herself and men: free of abuse and dysfunction of any form while remaining fully aware of her worth. Honestly, it tugs at my heartstrings and chokes me up when I imagine a potential void she may feel.
However, God advises me that I should be grateful for the lessons, and to find solace in the fact that I am the perfect woman for this job. That epiphany is healing!
Embracing Change
Truthfully, I’m enamored with what the transition has blossomed into. Our routine fulfills me. During the week, I take her to school so I can work on my writing projects. Her school is a gift because everyday she brings home new artwork and new knowledge of all she’s learned.
She is well cared for and exceptionally intelligent. My baby is learning so much about herself, academics and getting better acquainted with the world around her.
& She is all smiles at pick up and drop off so I’m confident that the care she’s receiving is pristine. The best of all is that I feel my heart expanding, with every laugh, and gasp of amazement she blesses me with as I watch God prosper her.
I pray he continues to do so through me, and her community. Gratitude overflows from my spirit at the support I've received from my dad, brother, and mother at this time.
Further, the additional family who has poured into my child’s sweet spirit with endless love and affection has been the cherry on top. She eats it up, and with as precious as she is, she deserves it.
The greatest solace of all resides in my certainty that renouncing my old life and starting over was the right decision. I remain unwavering in that faith.
Dating, Healing & Black Love
In the early stages of this new life, I tried my hand at love again with the most beautiful black man I’ve known. I mean he was just breathtakingly beautiful in essence and presentation. What is even more heavenly is the feeling of detachment from something I thought I'd always be bound to.
Our chemistry was addictive so I ignored all other signs of incompatibility until I was forced to let go of our potential to be together. I am thankful for his love but even happier to have come home to myself to review the insights I gained.
The most prominent of them all is I should never be so hooked on someone else’s energy that I can’t feel my own.
My experiences with men have catalyzed the road home to myself. And while letting go is painful, so much of the divine perfection of God’s plan is manifesting. This makes the journey worth it. Being newly single has its perks however I’m using it wisely and responsibly to nurture my perception of self.
My solitude has brought me closer to the cathartic properties of art and expression, and I believe God has me divinely where I should be. Relationships do not always work out but it is reassuring that I can endlessly bask in the depth of my own heart, imagination and spirit.
The art I have immersed myself in has felt like a church, or just a sacred space to commune with the divine in my life. Essentially my expressive zone has been my favorite form of self love. What is better than using your creative gifts to nourish the heart?
This has been such a healing experience for me, and it’s preparing me for love that is fresh, novel and divine.
Being open to something new is actually very exciting to think about, and I’ll be happy to approach it from a healed space. I believe I could welcome new energy into my life with ease and without being a hostage of the past.
It’s rewarding when the nurturing spirit of a black man supplements the joy you pour into yourself. So, I’ll be waiting patiently for mine.
